Easter is one of my favorite holidays. It is the most important holiday that we as Christians celebrate. For me, Easter brings many memories, because I have experienced several "firsts" at Easter.
In 2008 I experienced my first Easter as a mom. I was newly pregnant with my twins that Easter. I can remember sitting in the balcony with the choir, extremely early in the morning, feeling miserable. I could not stand the taste or smell of eggs when I was pregnant and the smell of the breakfast they were making in the fellowship hall was wafting up into the balcony. It took all my strength (and several tums) to get me through all three church services. It did not matter because I was delighted to finally be pregnant and I felt like I was rejoicing with all the angels that Easter Sunday. I thanked God that He had been gracious to me and had granted me my heart's desire. Since no one knew except our immediate family, I had a quiet peace within my soul.
In 2009 I experienced my first Easter in mourning. It was extremely hard for me to celebrate my favorite holiday with part of my heart missing. Good Friday seemed so much more meaningful to me. I felt like I was a kindred spirit with Mary. We both knew what it was like to watch our son die. My pain was still so fresh and my wounds were exposed for everyone to see. Even in the midst of my sorrow and pain, I had hope. I learned so much about myself and my faith that year. The devil tried to strip away everything from me and he almost succeeded, but he never touched my hope. In the midst of my sadness I envisioned my twins sitting on the lap of Jesus, singing Alleluia with the angel choir. During church that Sunday I felt my sons worshipping with me and I looked forward to the day that I could hold them again.
In 2010 I experienced my first Easter in waiting. We had been on the adoption list for nine months and I was discouraged. I visited the cemetery after church and poured my heart and soul to the Lord. I told Him that if life didn't get any better than this, I was done. I felt my fighting spirit was finished. I was emotionally tired. I missed my sons, I missed being a mom, and I missed having joy. Less than a week later we got the phone call that changed our lives. Liam had arrived and he was our son! Now, when I think of the timing of everything, I get goose bumps. I feel like it wasn't until I surrendered my plan, my timing, and my will that God granted me my true heart's desire (I wasn't even sure what that was, but God knew). His plan, and timing, and will are perfect. It wasn't until I had been broken that I realized that no baby could fix me. Being a mom was not what gave me worth. I am God's precious daughter and He loves me regardless of my circumstance. He cries when I am in pain, He rejoices when I laugh, and He carries me when my burden is too great. In every season of my life He has provided. And believe me, I have been through many seasons.
This Easter is my first as Liam's mommy. I am so thankful that God has given me a chance to be a mom again, especially to this amazing boy! The word that best describes this Easter is JOY! This Easter I will still miss my oldest two sons, and I will still long for the day when we can celebrate together. I want them to meet their brother. However, I will also rejoice knowing that God has secured their future. What better place for them to be on Easter? I will also rejoice over the happiness God has granted us through Liam. This is a great first!
