No Ninjas Allowed

I hoped and prayed for children and always thought I was created to be a Mommy.  God answered my prayer and gave me two strong-willed, intelligent, creative children.  And I know that our family was perfectly designed according to God's plan, but there are days I wonder if I'm really the most qualified person to take care of these blessings.  I've heard other Moms ask this question, even of their biological children, which brings me some comfort.  However, there are days I'm still perplexed at my own inadequacies as a mother and wish I could jump inside their brains and figure them out.  Parenting has broken my heart, but has also filled my heart to the brim.  I find myself at times, despite all my training as a teacher, at a loss of how to guide my children through life.  
Liam is especially at a stage in life right now that baffles me.  I always say he is my Anne of Green Gables.  He feels the extent of his emotions.  His brain is ALWAYS on, so much so, that he literally talks himself to sleep and talks while he's sleeping.  Liam also has the biggest, most fragile heart of any kid I know, which people overlook because of his giant appearance.  He remembers EVERYTHING.  Everything is an adventure for Liam.  An ordinary walk to the park involves slaying dragons and rescuing princesses.  His enthusiasm for life and his creative thinking make normal, conventional settings, such as school, difficult.  His year in PreK has been off to a rocky start.  When I hear reports from his teacher, I wonder what in the world is going on with him.  Here are some examples -
Liam was sent to the principal's office the other day for hiding next to the toy shelf when he was supposed to be on the carpet for story-time.  When the teacher tried to re-direct him to the carpet, he refused.  So, she removed him from the class and sent him down to the principal's office.  After school I asked Liam about the incident.  He has a story for everything.  He said, "Mom, I was trying to be an invisible ninja and the teacher could see me.  She sent me to visit the principal.  She said some things and I said some things and then I went back to the room."  I explained that invisible ninjas are not allowed at school and that we really need to listen to our teachers.  On another day, Liam ran outside the designated area at recess and was again sent to talk with the principal.  Again, he had an entire explanation about why he left the area, "I found a bottle and wanted to put it in the recycling.  Do you know how recycling works?  (enter monologue about the trash dump and the importance of recycling)."  The class has a color discipline system.  The kids can move up and down the rainbow depending on their behavior.  Liam started the year on green (ready to learn), but has been down toward the bottom of the rainbow for several days now.  His offenses include being 'handsy' with his friends, playing too rough at recess, and not following directions (example - getting up from his table when he was done with his work and not waiting for the rest of the class to finish).  
We had been following up on discipline at home to reinforce things at school, but have decided not to any more.  We had been taking away privileges at home if he had a bad day.  Liam, being the dramatic child he is, was feeling drained of self-worth.  He would shut himself in his room and cry.  My heart broke.  We decided to let school be school and spend time at home filling his emotional cup with love, reminding him that regardless of how bad things go at school we will always love him - we are his safe place where he can be himself and we love him just the way he is.  His behavior at home has been excellent and I've seen such growth that I wonder why there's such a difference between school and home.  The special education teacher in me wants analyzes everything and wants to diagnose the situation.  Could it be Autism, ODD, or is this normal behavior for an energetic, smart, four year old boy?  Dave and I were shy, compliant children, so this behavior is new to us. 
Here are some of the examples of growth I've seen at home -
The other night at bedtime Liam asked to read his Toddler Bible as one of his bedtime stories.  I let him pick the story and he chose Jesus entry into Jerusalem, his crucifixion, and rising from the dead.  When we got to the page about his crucifixion Liam began to cry. "I don't know why, but this part of the story always makes my eyes sad."  I explained that we can be happy that isn't the end of the story and kept reading.  He went on to ask, "Mom, what do you think God looks like?  (after my answer) I think God is a triangle.  But if you really want to know what God looks like, look here (pointed to Jesus's picture).  You know, when we get to heaven we will have castles.  Mine will be green and you can build yours right onto mine, so we can be together.  I bet you'll be happy to see your first two sons again. (he began to cry again) Mom, why did your first babies have to go to heaven?"  At this point I'm in tears also.  I explained the best I could in four year old terms about God's sovereignty, a sinful world, and God's promise to never leave us.  I can't remember what I said exactly, but I recognized the spirit-filled moment and cherished it.  Then, Liam asked to hear his adoption story several times.
Liam has been exceptionally sweet to his sister and to Madelyn and Cassidy (the two girls I watch on Tuesdays and Thursdays).  The other day he asked if he could lay with Madelyn while she fell asleep to keep her company.  He gives kisses to Lilly any time she falls down and scrapes her knee or elbow.  He has also been complimenting me on just about everything lately.  Yesterday he said, "Mom, I just wuv (love) your mac&cheese!  You make the best mac&cheese in the whole world."  When I hand him his drink he says, "Oh, thanks Mom." with the most sincere tone.  Out of the blue he says, "Mom, I wuv you!"  He helps me when I ask him to, without complaining.
I thank God for the little tender moments we share.  My heart breaks for him when he can't seem to stay on green at school, but my heart also swells with pride when he lovingly helps his sister without being prompted, or sings a Sunday School song while he's playing.  Parenting can be wonderful and terrible at the same time.  
C.S. Lewis wrote -

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Isn't that the truth?!?  Loving imperfect people in an imperfect world will cause us pain, but not having love at all would be tragically sad.I've had restless sleeps trying to figure out how to make Liam's school experience as positive as his home life.  As his Mom, I just want to 'fix it' for him.  The other day as I was in tears analyzing and fretting I came across this verse.

Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."



That was just what I needed to hear.  Just when I think my Mommy heart can't take anymore, I need to give it up to God.  I cannot wave a magic wand and make life easier for Liam.  I CAN lay my son's joys and sorrows in the arms of Jesus and trust that He will walk with Liam.  He redeemed his life for a purpose (I'm convinced it's a great one) and all this refining will make him the person God wants him to be.  For now though,  we will just remind him that invisible ninjas are not allowed at school.