The truth... I sometimes wonder why God called me to be an adoptive parent. More specifically, I wonder why I was called to be an adoptive parent of a special needs child. Why didn't we know what we were getting into? Why on earth did He think I was capable of this responsibility? What could I have done differently along the way for my child? I feel inadequate. I feel unprepared. I feel like I am just unraveling one problem after another. I manage one of them and then another shows up. I think we are making steps forward, only to take leaps back again. Why does everyone look to me as if I've got it all figured out? I'm just as lost as everyone else - treading water in the deep end, just trying to keep my head above the water. I sit content in my pity-party sometimes and wave goodbye to the dreams of perfection I once had. Perfection is not my reality. Messy, knees deep in it, is my reality. I look back and see how far we've come and think, "how did we get here?" How did I get up and do the next thing and then the next thing? Where was the manual I missed that explains how to navigate these specifics disabilities? Can I just wake up tomorrow and this will all be a dream? We are all trying our best. My daughter is trying her best. She has had ridiculously hard circumstances. She has had to experience things no human on earth should experience. She has risen from unbelievable things most of us can't even imagine. Life should be easier for her now. But, as my mom reminded me, "Easy is not what God has called her to." God is refining all of us through this season of struggle. So many people look at her and see what she CAN'T do. They can't understand her, they assume she is unintelligent because her speech is underdeveloped. They write her off. They dismiss her. They pity us.
What I see in my daughter is so different... I see a girl who survived when it would have been easier to give up. I see a girl who is funny and kind, determined and strong, who loves deeply and feels things greatly, who appreciates love. I see a girl who knows what constant hunger is like - not just hunger for food, but hunger for attention/touch/love. I see a girl who is helpful. The girl I know is a fighter. She came to us weak, malnourished, sick. She has undergone 10 surgeries/procedures. She has gained physical strength. She went from a girl who did not have the strength to stand on her own at almost 2 years of age to a tough athlete and graceful ballerina. I feel sorry for the people who don't take the time to know her, really know her, because they are missing out on knowing one of the most resilient human beings I've ever met.
The truth... I get tired, tired of fighting for services for her, tired of fighting for people to accept her/understand her, tired of the regression with food. And then, I look at her, I mean really look at her and all those feelings slip away and I exhale. Thank you God for making me an adoptive mom, thank you for making me a mom of a special needs child, thank you for Lilly. She is your child sent to do great things, to break down barriers, to show people what strength looks like and I get to be along for the journey. I get to call her my daughter. I get to hear her say, "Mom, I love you!"
The truth... this has never been a journey I have traveled alone. God has been in every detail. He sent angels to watch over her as she waited on that bridge in China for someone to find her. He was with her when she rocked herself to sleep in the crib at the orphanage. He was with us filling out paperwork, praying for a little girl we never knew existed. He brought us to her and all of us safely home. He has been with her in every surgery. He has been at every case conference where my heart shattered hearing the list of what she can't do. He will continue to be with us as we navigate what's next. May I remember to lean into Him when I feel tired. May I remember that He made her for a purpose. May I take time to enjoy her and see her, not the list of cant's. Lord, thank you for climbing in the trenches with us, for loving us despite our inadequacies, for creating us with a purpose, and for showing us your redemptive work. When I have those doubts and fears, help me to remember that you love my daughter even more than I do and you know the plan you have for her life (Jeremiah 29:11).
Lilly - Gotcha Day - May 2013
Lilly - Hawaii - April 2019
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