Preparing

Dave and I are preparing for a wonderful event this Friday.  Liam Everett Herman will legally become our son as we finalize his adoption.  We are doing many things to prepare for this amazing event.  I have been working on Liam's scrapbook and writing down my thoughts for him as well as writing a letter to his birthmother - I may share those later.  As I am working on writing these emotional letters I have been looking back at the other letters I have written over the past two and half years.  Below is the first letter I wrote on this journey.  I am amazed to see how far God has brought us.  It is evident that I was writing with His strength and not my own.  As we celebrate this milestone as a family, we also remember the members of our family that aren't able to celebrate with us, but will be rejoicing with us in heaven.


This was written the summer our sons died...
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven; a time to be born and a time to die.”
I wanted you to know what is happening in this season of our lives. On May 31st I noticed some abdominal pain. After the pain worsened, I called the doctor and they urged me to come into the hospital right away. I was having contractions. They tried all night to stop them, but my body went into labor. At 7:42am on June 1st my beautiful son, Christopher David, was born. He was too small to save (He was 6oz and 8in). Dave and I were able to hold his small body in our arms. At 9:43am I delivered his identical twin brother, Connor Dennis (He was 7oz and 8in). My sons only had to be apart for two hours. We held both boys in our arms. We watched as God peacefully took Connor to be with Him and his brother. We could feel his heart stop beating by putting our finger on his chest. My sons felt no pain, sorrow, or fear. They never even cried (since their lungs weren’t developed yet). Our boys were perfect. They looked exactly like their father. They were perfectly formed even though they were only 18 weeks along. They even had all their fingernails and toenails. The nurse we had was wonderful. She got clothes for the boys, got their handprints and footprints, and gave us a disposable camera. I was rushed to surgery for a D&C (even though I had delivered everything, I had some scar tissue from a hemorrhage I had earlier in the pregnancy). When I woke up from surgery the pastor that married us was at my bedside. My mom, dad, and two brothers were also there. Pastor Zeckzer baptized the boys. We take such comfort in knowing that God is holding our sons in His arms.
The funeral was held on June 7th. We put both boys in one casket. They had never been apart and we wanted them to be together now. The funeral was beautiful. So many people showed up. The adult choir asked if they could sing. All three of our pastors wanted to be a part of the service. They wanted to mourn with us, but also show us how much we meant to them. All three pastors cried with us. We buried our sons in the church cemetery. They are in the company of all their Herman relatives that have passed away. Dave and I bought the plot next to the boys so that we can be buried next to them someday.
We are obviously still grieving. The doctors can offer us no explanation as to why this happened. The pregnancy was difficult (as pregnancy with twins often is), but there is no medical explanation why this happened. The boys were perfectly healthy and I had no problems. We are trusting that God’s timing is perfect and that He has a plan for us, even though we do not know what it is. We had waited two years to get pregnant with our sons and were only able to after fertility help. We wonder if God will ever let us be parents. We had just celebrated our fourth anniversary when this happened. Our relationship has grown because of this and we are determined to stay together. 98% of marriages that suffer the loss of a child end in divorce. We are determined not to let Satan win that battle. We have stored up two treasures in Heaven. Nothing can take that away from us. Death may have taken our boys, but God has secured their future. We look forward to holding our sons again someday, but know that God is not finished with us yet. Our sons’ short lives have been a witness to so many people. I can’t even tell you all the times that God has opened doors for us to talk about our faith. There were many mothers at the funeral that never had a chance to hold their children when they died. This includes my mother-in-law. For them the funeral was a way to reassure them that their precious children are in heaven. They could get closure themselves. Dave has had many opportunities through work, and even in our own neighborhood, to share his faith.
Please pray for us as our broken hearts mend and we try to figure out what God’s plan is for us. I had resigned from my job at Central and they had already called another second grade teacher before this happened. I have no job for next school year. I am not sure which direction God is leading me. I am trying to find things to do this summer to keep me busy (one of which is being Dave’s secretary). I still find myself breaking down at random times. Small things will remind me of my sons and I will cry. My body and soul are still healing. I don’t think the hole in my heart will ever heal. I will always miss my boys. I know God will never leave me or forsake me. He is walking with me through this valley of death. It is hard for me to verbalize my sadness, but I know God understands it and weeps with me.
1 Corinthians 13:12 “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
I have had to cling to God’s word along with the words of other mothers that have suffered loss. This is now the journey that I must take. I wanted you to know about our journey so that you could pray for us, but also so you would know our pride in our sons.