The Lord will Provide

I have never wanted this blog to be a place where I whine or complain.  I have however, wanted to be honest and real with this blog.  I genuinely want to show what life is like for us.  I was reminded recently that it is important for me to share our struggles as well as our joys.  We are after all human and have similar struggles as those around us.  If it will help others, it is valuable to share our experiences.  I think it's healing to share how God is shaping and molding us.  Had I started this blog sooner (in the years after we lost the twins, before getting Liam) it would be evident to see how much God has changed our hearts and souls.  I think I tend to post more of the happy moments and less of the challenges, because I don't want to dwell on the negative things going on in our lives.  We've been through the worst possible situation already, so we tend not to sweat the small stuff anymore.  This post is meant to share one of the real hurdles for us, not as a means to vent, but as a way to share the power of God's provision.

Finances have always been a struggle with us.  We are both very frugal people and have really tried to be good stewards of what God has given us.  We try to make the best financial decisions possible.  We don't like to have debt other than our house and one vehicle at a time.  I guess you could say we live simply.  We don't eat out, or buy impulsively.  We discuss purchases together before making them.  However, even our best financial planning wasn't enough for the financial curve balls we've been thrown.
When we first started trying to have a family, we learned that fertility treatments were necessary if we wanted biological children.  We wanted to exhaust all options before we moved forward in another direction.  Unfortunately, health insurance does not cover fertility treatments and we had many.  Medication for fertility is also pricy.  Next, we had adoption costs.  Adoption is expensive - no other way to say it.  We have been through cycles of saving, depleting our savings, trying to save again, and on and on.  We have become experts on grant writing and fundraising.  We've had to ask for financial assistance, which is both humbling and helpful.  The other night we sat down and tried to figure out just how much we've spent in the journey to have a family.  I think we've spent over $100,000.   In spite of spending that amount of money we have had a roof over our head and food in our stomachs.  We have never lacked anything we NEEDED.  Yes, we've wondered where grocery money is coming from sometimes, or wondered how we would pay some bills.  But, each and every month God provides.  We have really had to learn how to trust God fully.  Trust is not always easy, but each and every time we have needed God's provision, He has shown us He will take care of us.  There are many examples in the old and new testaments of times God provided for His people.  Elijah (1 Kings 17) had an unending supply of flour and oil.  Jesus fed 5,000 (Matthew 14).  Jesus tells us not to worry about earthly things, because He will provide (Matthew 6).  One of the bible passages that sticks out to me is in Job 38.  Job questioned God and God responded to him by explaining that HE is God, not Job.  We as humans can't fully understand all the ways of God.  The same God who formed the universe is still in control now.  If our powerful God can do all those things, He is also able to take care of our daily needs.  In the bible the name Yahweh-jireh means "Yahweh will provide" or "I AM will provide."  That's it - that's all we need.  After the twins died I remember feeling like everything was stripped away from me (all my desires and dreams), but I still had HOPE.  My hope was not in having a family.  My hope was that in the midst of my sadness I had Christ.  I had hope in an eternity with my Savior, who pulled me out of the shadow of death.  I had hope that even if life were a living hell, I had the promise of heaven someday.  I had my Redeemer who made me for a reason and would provide me with the strength I needed.  Once I was given the opportunity to be a mom, I knew that my goal was to share that hope with my children.  No matter what hell on earth they have experienced or will experience, they have a Savior who loves them to the cross and back.  So, honestly, what is $100,000 in the big scheme of things?  It's just money.  There is no value on earth we can place on having children, but more importantly on being God's children.  Christ paid that debt in full.  We are debt free!
We have been on our knees a lot lately asking for God's provision for earthly things, which we know God encourages us to do (1 Peter 5:7).  He wants us to lay our worries and fears at His feet.  Each time we pray to Him to provide for us He reminds us -

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.