Looking Back

It is interesting for me to look back over our journey.  It has been filled with so many ups and downs, but I can see God's hand guiding us through all of it and preparing us for the people He wants us to be.  This post was written to a friend on April 23rd, 2009 - almost exactly one year before we got Liam.

Well, I went in Wednesday for my pregnancy test. The test was negative. I sobbed all day yesterday and actually got sick. It is so hard to stop hormones all of a sudden and be emotional at the same time. 

Dave and I woke up this morning with such a peace. I can't even explain it to you. We went to lunch today and talked about our options. We are actually really excited about adopting. You know, when we first talked about adopting we thought we would be saving the life of a child (which is true), but this baby will save our lives. Our hearts have been broken for so long and just working on the paperwork is opening our hearts again. I know that God has a baby in mind for us already. This morning I wrote that baby a letter and I wrote a prayer to God for that baby and its biological mother. I have put it in a scrapbook - of course it's green and yellow. I want to document this whole journey, because I want this baby to know that God chose this child for us and that we were just open to His will. I want it to see how God worked in us to make this possible. I don''t know if I can even explain in words how we feel. But, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what God wants us to do. And, we can appreciate God's love for us even more now when we consider how He can use us in this way. I had this vision of what my family would look like and be like and when it would happen. Obviously, nothing has worked according to my plan and I may not understand that until I get to heaven. However, I know that God has something amazing planned and I am anxious to find out what that is.
Dave and I have been working on our homework, which I think every parent should have to fill out. Hopefully, we will mail it in soon.

New Beginnings

This week I begin training for my new job.  I am the special education teacher/consultant for two Lutheran schools in town.  I will teach two days a week, which is the maximum amount of time I want to work.  I am happy that I will be spending the majority of my time home with Liam.  I will spend Wednesday and Thursday mornings at Suburban Bethlehem and afternoons on Wednesday and Thursday at Ascension Lutheran.  I will spend the majority of my time working with students one-on-one or in small groups on literacy development.  There are only a few students that have IEPs (Individual Education Plans), so most of my students will be those that struggle with class work, but are not diagnosed with a LD (learning disability).  I will also help teachers think of ways to help individual students within their own classroom.  This is also my last year of taking classes towards my Masters in Special Education.  I am thrilled that this job counts for my student teaching.  I don't know how we would have managed eight weeks of full-time teaching with no pay.  So, I am very thankful I can make enough money to pay for a sitter so I can fulfill my hours in a special education classroom.  I am nervous and excited.  Neither school has had a special education program before.  I have a lot of work to do at the beginning to gain trust from the teachers and set-up my program.  However, I am glad for this opportunity.

And now, we wait...

In April, Dave and I decided to put our names back on the adoption waiting list for a baby.  After receiving news that South Korea was not opening intake for new adoptive parents, we decided to try another domestic adoption.  We know that we want to adopt again and that Liam needs a sibling.  We also desire for him to have an adopted sibling.  We put our names on the list as a leap of faith trusting that God would provide the baby when the timing is right.  He knows who our baby is and when we will bring it home.  Since putting our names on the list we have gone on with life and have enjoyed our energetic toddler.  Life has gone on as usual and we have made plans for our family of three.  
Then, last night it occurred to me that we could get a baby at any time.  In the back of my head I have told myself to be ready for anything, but it never really sunk in that we could have another baby soon.  I have been thinking non-stop about all the scenarios.  I wonder who our baby is, when it will arrive, if Liam will be ready, and if I will be able to be a mother of two in the midst of our busy lives.  I can't help but think that this is on my mind and in my heart for a reason.  Then, I have to stop myself and remind myself that God knows what He is doing and He knows what I can handle.  He will not bless us with another baby if He doesn't think we will be able to provide this baby with a loving home.  I also think about how much Liam has changed my life and how much I love him.  God blessed me beyond belief with Liam.  I know from experience that God does miracles everyday.
Last night as all these thoughts swirled around in my head, I told Dave all my concerns and thoughts.  He said calmly, "Well, I think we should just pray about it."  He is right.  Instead of worrying about my abilities to either wait or jump into another adventure, I should just lay it in God's hands.  I continue to pray for our next baby and it's birthmother.  I also pray that God will prepare our family for whatever lies next.  It is so exciting and scary all at the same time, but God is big enough to carry all these emotions.  So for now, we wait, and trust.