The Scarlet I

I'm apprehensive to write personal posts on this blog, since this is intended as a place to document our family life.  Still waters run deep in our family, and we tend to be private people.  However, recently Dave reminded me that I may never know who needs to hear the words of this blog for encouragement.  It is also very healing for me to look back over older posts and journal entries.  I am publishing this post to show a piece of my journey to our family.  I think it is a familiar journey for women who struggle to have a family.  I want to be honest - for us, our journey to parent-hood was not all sunshine and rainbows.  And although Liam made a dramatic entrance into our family and rocked our world for good, we weren't always in a place of joy or acceptance of God's plan.
My hope is that when people see our family and all the obstacles we have overcome, they will see Christ's hand in all of it.  For us, Jeremiah 29:11 (for reference - see below our picture) is a way of life.  This is an easy statement for us to make now.   However, there were times when things seemed hopeless.  As I prepare for our daughter's arrival, I want to be sure my heart is not filled with bitterness or regret, so I have visited old journal entries.  Here is a piece of my heart.  It is an old journal entry of mine, but a struggle I still deal with some days.

A certain bible story is really resonating with me today.  I've heard this story many times, but today I especially feel like the woman with the issue of blood.  Here's the story -

^{Matthew 9 - 20} Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him [Jesus] and touched the edge of his cloak. ²¹ She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.” ²² Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.

I can't even imagine what it must be like to bleed for twelve years.  The woman was considered 'unclean' and had to be separated from the rest of her community.  Although I haven't personally experienced such a dramatic health concern, I often feel like an outcast, marked with a scarlet I, for infertile, on my chest.  This shame is heightened when I think of the frailty of my body while carrying the twins.  My childhood dreams included being pregnant and having 'my' children.  I have often prayed, "Lord you have the ability to heal us.  Why won't you just heal our infertility and give us our hearts' desire."  My pain runs deep.  Every time a friend announces they are pregnant, a sharp pain throbs in my heart.  I know I shouldn't compare my situation to theirs or their blessings, but it's hard not to be jealous.  I believe Christ has the power to heal us, so why is he choosing not to.

Maybe, I am asking for the wrong type of healing.  Instead of physical healing for us, I should be asking for healing in my heart.  God has promised to be with us.  He has planned our lives already.  If God's plan is not for us to be parents, my prayer should be to accept that.  Although, I know he wouldn't have given us this desire, or talents, if he didn't want us to be parents.  If his desire is for me to love outside my comfort zone, then I need to be healed of my short-mindedness.  Maybe, God has something really great planned that I can't even fathom.  So, I am changing my prayer and grasping the hem of your garment Lord, "Please give me the child you have planned for me and prepare my heart for THAT child.  Make me the parent you want me to be, to love unconditionally, and to show your love and grace. Help me to get over my lost dreams and realize the dreams you have designed for me.  Please wipe away my scarlet I and replace it with the sign of your cross."

I have come a long way, and God's plan has truly been amazing.  Having Liam as a son is even better than I could have imagined and the adventure of getting our daughter is also an amazing journey.  The truth though, is that there are still days I feel like an outcast and feel the pains of not being able to be pregnant, especially when so many people announce their news daily.  However, I still need to be reminded that God has chosen me to be an adoptive mom, to love my children as my own, and give THEM hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).  It is a humbling experience, but I'm still trustingly grabbing the hem of Christ's garment and praying for him to make me clean. 

Exciting News

Life has been a bit crazy lately.  I am trying to get settled into a new school year, while doing my wifely/motherly duties, and working on the never ending pile of adoption paperwork.  However, in the midst of the chaos we got some great news this week.  One of the grants that we applied for let us know that we will receive a matching grant for $5,000.  So, if we raise $5,000 it will be doubled to $10,000.  THAT IS AMAZING!  Just when I start to worry, God sends little miracles like this.  Well, a big miracle in this case.  So, now I have to raise $5,000 to be matched.  I'm going to fundraising mode.  We will meet with our pastor next week and plan an event at church.  We will also have to write a letter to family and friends requesting funds.  This for me is VERY humbling and takes me out of my comfort zone.  However, I know that asking for help is a sign of strength and not weakness.  I also believe that our daughter is being entrusted to our whole family, both extended and church family. 
Through this I am also reminded of how God provided for us when we adopted Liam.  We did not have enough money saved to pay the adoption costs for Liam's adoption.  Just when we needed to make a payment, God would provide the funds somehow.  Through all of this God has shown me what it is to TRUST.  My prayer is that we will be good stewards of what He entrusts to us.  We will definitely not take His mercy for granted.

Liam's Room

Over the summer we have been updating Liam's room into a big boy room.  Dave and I think Liam has a pretty cool room. We're pretty sure Liam likes it too.

Liam has been in a toddler bed since November.  Grandpa Herman made it for him.

The teacher in me wanted to add this to his room, not only to display his artwork, but to have more room for pictures of fun family moments.

Dave ordered the cardboard cabin and surprised both of us with it.  Liam and I put it together on a rainy day.  It came with markers, but I'm not quite ready to trust Liam with markers in his room.

Most of Liam's toys are stored in his closet on a shelf that holds plastic bins, but we leave some out.

Most of the books are mine from teaching, but Liam has a large collection of his own too.  The bottom two shelves are board books.

We moved Liam's reading nook into his cabin.

Liam's Haircut

Liam went in for his third haircut.  It was long overdue.  I love Liam's hair, especially on hot, humid days when it curls.  However, long hair is not practical for a boy, especially in hot weather, and Liam was starting to get a mullet.  Dave suggested buzzing it, since that is how he wore his hair during summers growing up.  I wasn't willing to part with that much hair, but did agree it would be easier to take care of.  We left the final decision up to Liam's hairdresser.  She decided to cut it short with clippers.  Afterward, Dave and I both felt Liam looked more like a five year old than a two year old.  It made us a little sad.  We wish he would just slow down!

Before...

It looks a little like a combover.

After...

Projects

This spring I wanted to make a blanket for my niece Verona, so I learned how to crochet.  My sister-in-law, Julie, taught me a pattern during one of her visits home.  I have become somewhat addicted to it since then.  It is so relaxing to crochet at the end of the day.  I am still very much an amateur, but enjoy trying new things.  Here are some of my projects...

Verona's blanket

A scarf (which will be for Liam's sitter for Christmas)

A scarf and hat (for my Goddaughter for Christmas) with a matching set for her doll.

The doll was her birthday present from me, so I made the hat and scarf specifically for her.

My next project is a blanket for our daughter.  I also plan to make a smaller version to put in her first care package.  It will be similar to Liam's (which Julie made for him when he was born).  However, hers will be pink, purple, and white to match her room.  Not only is it a fun project, but is helping me "nest" as a wait for her arrival.

Liam's blanket (made by Aunt Julie)

Adoption Update

Here is an update on where we are in the process to adopt our daughter.  The list still looks really long, but we are making progress.  I added the red item, because it was important for me to get the grants written before school starts.  This order may not be exact.  We are mailing in our I-800A later this week, once we get the final letter to put in our packet.  We are putting together our Dossier in stages.  Our Letter of Intent is written and will be mailed into our agency once we get the okay to move forward.  Small things like passports and online classes (which we have done) are not on the list, but are also important steps.  Now that we have our adoption study approved we are free to receive a referral.  This however, could take up to 9 months.  We are able to work on paperwork as we wait for our referral.  We are actually hoping for a later referral, so there is less time between learning who our daughter is and traveling to get her.  We are making progress!

Status	Date	My Adoption Event
X	4/10/12	APPLICATION RECEIVED
X	7/17/12	APPLICATION COMPLETED
X X	7/19/12 8/6/12	ADOPTION STUDY APPROVED GRANTS WRITTEN & MAILED
		I-600A CIS APPROVAL
		I-600A CIS EXPIRATION DATE
		I-600A CIS FINGERPRINT EXPIRATION DATE
		I-800A NOTICE REC’D BY NBC
		I-800A APPROVAL
		I-800A + F-PRINT EXPIRATION
		I-800 PROVISIONAL APPROVAL REC’D
		COUNTRY PRE-APPROVAL RECEIVED
		DOSSIER I TO COUNTRY
		CHILD REFERRAL RECEIVED
		CHILD REFERRAL ACCEPTANCE COMPLETED
		ADOPTIVE PLACEMENT

Summer 2012

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